News: What happens next... February 08
We've thought long and hard to come up with what could turn up in the headlines this month. Don't hold us to them - this is just a bit of fun!
Gordon Brown follows McDonald’s lead and decides to award diplomas to Cabinet Ministers who show competency while serving in office. Highest grades are awarded to Ministers for declaring their sources of funding on time, and ensuring that sensitive information about the British Electorate does not get lost in the post.
Network Rail is given a special award by the Queen for its efforts to limit the spread of the vomiting bug throughout the UK population in January by cancelling so many train services in the first month of the year.
What we think...
With TV series coming out like 'How Clean Is your House' the germs have got little option in their fight for survival but to conquer the effects of our 21st century detergents. Look at it from their point of view! Do we really expect them to roll over and die?
Tony Blair admits he was tempted to return as an MP for financial reasons until he heard that they had only voted to give themselves a 1.9% pay rise. Instead he decides to take up yet another six figure salaried consultancy role, this time with Northern Rock.
What we think...
Tensions have run high as the multibillionaire corporations fight it out to gain the title of Bank Rescuer.
Jeremy Paxman is appointed as Fashion Adviser for Undergarment Support by M&S after his complaint is upheld by scientific research showing that current underwear made by the retailer is declining in quality.
Floods wreak havoc across the UK for the second consecutive year but Alistair Darling is on hand to prop up UK insurance companies and underwrite all claims for water caused damages with tax payers’ money.
What we think....
It's going to take more than money for repairs - who will buy these houses in high risk of flood areas. People innocently invested their savings in property and have found themselves not only knee deep in water and rising mortgage repayments. No doubt soon enough houses for sale will include how many metres above sea level they are on their features listings! New house designs will be sprouting up - stilts seem like a good idea or why dont we go for the Venice look - much more eco friendly with everyone using boats to get from A to B!
Dentists copy GPs’ lead by publishing a new “Entitlement to Care” charter, refusing to treat people who put sugar in their tea, eat sweets or only clean their teeth once a day.